The Emperor's New Groove (G)



When I first watched this years and years ago, my thoughts on it were "It was funny, but kind of lacking in its story." And that's how I still feel about it. Take out the llama transformation and it's just your typical movie about a spoiled manchild learning humility from somebody living in the real world (there's a reason I've repeatedly referred to Klaus as "that Christmas movie about the Postman who's basically Emperor Kuzco"), and between the fourth wall breaks and the fact I'm pretty sure nobody dies in this movie, it's obvious the movie is more interested in making you laugh than telling a dramatic story. And if that's what it wants to do, that's fine.

But let's be honest here, the stars of the show are Yzma and Kronk. Ask anyone to quote the movie and it's always "Pull the lever, Kronk!" or "No, no, he's got a point."

"Boy, Kronk is so much fun, should have gotten his own movie!"

Be careful what you wish for, my friend...

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Kronk's New Groove (G)



The thought process behind this movie was "Let's take everything people liked about The Emperor's New Groove and run it into the ground!" Remember Kronk's shoulder angels? Yeah, let's wring that to death! Kuzco stopping the movie to scribble on it with a marker? Yup, that's here too! And what isn't lifted from the first movie is just annoying bullshit.

Because the movie is structured like two short stories with a third as the framing device, I think Disney wanted to do an entire television series with Kronk but realized how much that wouldn't work, then stitched together what they had and shoved it out the door.

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Super Mario 3D World + Bowser's Fury (E10+, Switch)



Super Mario 3D World is, well, it's 3D Mario. A competent 3D platformer, now with cats, but the only specifics I can remember are throwing bombs at Bowser's car and the Plessie rides with horrible controls. To be honest I got more out of the Bowser's Fury sub game, and not just because everything is cats. It plays like Mario Odyssey, being this connected collection of jungle gyms with mutliple stars in each one, but every so often a giant Bowser appears to wreck your shit and you either have to wait out his rampage, or chase him off by collecting a Cat Shine. And every so often Mario turns into a giant lion and gets into a kaiju battle with him. It's actually kind of glorious.

Still, I did run have some issues. You use Plessie to get between areas, and while his controls aren't as infuriating in open areas they get annoying when you're trying to do some of his shine missions. Also, when you get close to 50 Cat Shines, which is how many you need to finish the game, Bowser will not fuck off, not even by collecting a shine. Have fun finding and collecting those last few shines while he's endlessly blasting you (and God help you if you're in the middle of the sea between zones and get knocked off Plessie like I once did).

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