1. How hard was it to make costumes of the MotU cast?

It's not a good sign when the movie opens up to a temple that you can't tell until the second viewing was supposed to be Castle Grayskull, or if that character marching across a platform is supposed to be Skeletor, Emperor Palpatine, or Dr. Doom (and why is he slamming his staff like that?). And we still have the rest of the cast to see desecrated.

2. When did Skeletor get an army of Darth Vaders?
Well, it makes sense. Skeletor = Palpatine, so Skeletor's Henchman = Darth Vader. And if Skeletor has fifty million henchmen, he has fifty million Darth Vaders.

But seriously, five minutes into the movie and I've we've already hit two Star Wars knockoffs. It doesn't get better from here.

3. What the hell was up with the Sorceress?
First they screw over her appearance. Rather than a young lady in the totally sweet falcon suit, she's an old bat clad in some silvery blue gown with a hat thingy of crystals. Although I guess it was better to revamp her appearance and use that in this circus than desecrate the falcon version, which they not only would've gotten totally wrong by itself, but also the Sorceress' sheer incompetence. At the beginning of the movie, she gets captured, I guess without a fight, and spends the rest of the movie standing in one spot.

4. Who designed the He-Man costume?
Okay, they slaughtered they entire cast, but I just have to rant about the He-Man costume. He actually looks closest to his source material of anyone in the entire movie, and he's still screwed up. For some reason, the costume designer decided He-Man has a cape and shoulder plates. He-Man doesn't even have this in the original action figures, much less the cartoon. And to top it off, He-Man's well-know underwear of fur has been replaced with underwear of LEATHER.

5. Whose bright idea was Gwildor?
I'm aware Cannon was unable to find a cheap and believable way to get Orko in (even though they were able to make those portals and the lights from the Cosmic Key), so they had to find an alternate. But why this abomination exactly? He's ugly, I hate his voice, his personality is grating, and I wanted to punch him. The end. His only saving grace was that he wasn't actually some bastardized Orko.

6. Since when are Eternians vegetarian?
I'm referring to the scene where Gwildor uses some tool to steal somebody's bucket of barbeque ribs. Teela and Man-At-Arms join him, Teela asks about the "white sticks" and Man-At-Arms informs her it's bone. Teela and Gwildor get all disgusted about eating a poor little animal, but Man-At-Arms just chows down. Now, think back to the cartoon, any scene where it was dinner, and you'll probably see a turkey as the centerpiece.

And you don't get a build like He-Man's with carrots, folks.

7. Prince Adam/He-Man's mother is an Earthling. Why did he never say anything about this on his visit to her homeworld?
Okay, there's probably a reason for this. The king and queen aren't even in this movie. The writers either forgot or retconned He-Man's alter ego, Prince Adam, and everything related to him.

8. THE Beastman?
Out of Skeletor's many henchmen like Merman, Trapjaw, and Tri-Klops, the only ones that survived were Evil-Lyn and Beastman. Evil-Lyn was left intact except for her costume. Beastman is now "The Beastman", and behaves like a monkey with a few cans of Mountain Dew and a pound of Pixie Sticks in his system.

9. Was Dolph Lundgren recovering from a head injury he got during Rocky IV?
As a piece of movie trivia, in Rocky IV Sylvester Stallone and Dolph Lundgren were actually hitting each other because Stallone wanted his movies to look as real as possible (he did this with Mr. T in Rocky III, too). Lundgren actually unintentionally gave Stallone heart and liver damage, but this movie makes me wonder if the injuries weren't as one-sided as everyone makes them out to be.

Now, I like Dolph Lundgren. A lot. So much that I often wish I was in Courney Cox's place in those scenes where her character gets hugged and picked up by He-Man. But we got off to a really bad start. This was the first movie of his I saw, and his performence here almost landed him below Arnold Schwarzenegger in my Actors I Hate list (whenever I see that man's face I always want to throw things at it). Now, when I rewatched the movie to prepare for this article I found his English was better than I previously thought, and let me make it quite clear that even in my previous memory of this he was speaking English better than I'll ever speak Swedish. But he seems unable to close his mouth (ironically, his chat with the rebel leader in Red Scorpion was the only time I've ever seen anybody chew gum with their mouth closed) and has to grunt and make post-Wind-Waker-Link battle yells constantly while swinging his sword. And is it just me, or does he look drenched in sweat throughout the entire movie?

10. What was that "The Universe is Music" crap?
Gwildor says something about the key working because the universe is made out of music and that each specific point in the universe has a distinct tune to it. Other than to make some use out of the guy and screw up the Masters of the Universe feeling even more, I don't get its purpose either. I guess Koei liked this idea and reused in in Crimson Sea 2, where it makes even less sense because this time around music isn't used for teleportation across the universe, but stopping time and magical powers and mutations or something.

11. Were the writers determined to cover every movie cliche they possibly could?
Beings from another world come to Earth, befriend some humans after saving their lives from villians from their world, and they fight evil together?
Check.

Even though the Earthlings are weaker than the visitors, they end up saving the day somehow?
Check.

Villian disguises self as good guy's deceased parent to get something they want?
Check.

Good guy falls for it?
Check.

Hero surrenders self to protect friends?
Check.

"You promised not to hurt them!" "I lied!"?
Check.

Endangerment of friends gives hero the strength of a god?
Check.

12. Who decided He-Man's strength comes from the Sorceress rather than Castle Greyskull?
After he captures He-Man, Skeletor taunts He-Man by pointing him towards the withering Sorceress, and says "Where is the source of your strength?", which makes me wonder if everyone on this film only had a vague idea of what Masters of the Universe was. He-Man's power has nothing to do with the Sorceress! Sure, she gave them to him, I'm sure she could revoke them if he decided to be a jerk about it. But there have been times where the Sorceress was trapped in another dimension, having her power sapped by the Dragon Pearl, or under a hypnosis spell, and He-Man was still able to crush a magical diamond with his bare hands, beat the snot out of Skeletor despite him having the Sorceress' power, and take on all of Skeletor's recurring cronies at once. The sorceress even says Castle Greyskull is the source of their power, so of course their strength was going to be greatest within Greyskull. She never says anything about "Oh, BTW, if I'm ever incapacitated, you're screwed."

13. WHO WAS HIGH ON WHAT WHEN THEY CAME UP WITH SSJ SKELETOR?
You know, Street Fighter gets a lot more flak than MotU, but at least M.Bison doesn't go SSJ in it. Seriously, what is this? Thankfully I wasn't drinking anything or else I would've drenched everything around me. After some horrible acting about the power of the universe being within him and a cheap flash of light, Skeletor dons a ridiculous outfit that looks like somebody spray painted his original outfit gold and a poorly designed hat with a pig nose, then screams and shoots eyebeams. And for having THE POWER OF THE ENTIRE EFFIN' UNIVERSE, HE STILL GETS HANDIDLY BEATEN UP BY HE-MAN, and somehow he loses the power when He-Man kind of whaps his staff and it cleanly splits in two. I'm sorry, words can't really describe this. You just have to see it to believe it.

Oh yes, and some dialogue before Skeletor goes SSJ:

He-Man: I'll NEVER kneel to you!
Skeletor: Yes you will! Yes you will! Or I shall wreak unforgettable harm upon you!

Unlike the rest of these images, I have not tampered with this screen in any way, shape, or form. It's too ridiculous to do anything else with.

14. Was this entire movie written by Star Wars fanboys?
First there's Palpatine Skeletor. Then there's Palpatine Skeletor's army of Darth Vaders. Then there's the way He-Man beats Skeletor, which might as well be stock footage of Palpatine's flight down the Death Star in Return of the Jedi. I'd include Skeletor's Force Lightning knockoff, but that's been ripped off in so many movies it's not particularly worth picking out.

15. Did ANYONE have any clue what was going on in the ending?
Holy crap, where to begin. Officer Strickland Lubic gets made king of Eternia for doing absolutely nothing (???). Gwildor has little little gold breadwinders in his hair (?!?!???!?!!!) and randomly pulls going back in time out of nowhere (?!?!?!!??!??!?!!!), the kids decline, then as they're entering the portal the girl randomly starts shouting "OH WAIT, SEND US BACK IN TIME!", and Gwildor not only hears her over the sucking but is able to reconfigure the Key in a matter of milliseconds. The girl wakes up, finds her parents are alive, then saves them by stealing their keys and saying "I love you!". The dude comes up with the blue gem which glows, the camera zoomes in, Castle Greyskull and He-Man appear, and he shouts "I HAVE THE POWAH!". I don't know where to start on Skeletor's "I'll be back!" scene. First, there's why it was put in there since He-Man was coming to his end and there wasn't going to a sequel (they started on a sequel which was eventually rewritten into Cyborg). Secondly, where exactly is he? Some people say it's a swamp, but there's no vegetation, and it's purple and looks like acid or something. A confusing mess with a little Masters of the Universe dashed in, just like the rest of the movie.