The movie starts out alternating between the credits on a black background and an assortment of shadow puppets as a baby giggles. Given the way it moves, I think this one's supposed to be some kind of bird.

Then the title screen appears

A monster of sorts?

Bunnies!

A dog.

A different dog that sticks its tongue out.

It looks like the first one, but it moves like a crab.

A rooster.

And finally a swan, that eventually fades to black.

And now the train wreck starts.

Fast forward 30 years. Akiko and Emi are standing around in some kind of desert, talking about what a bum Kazuo is.

Here's Kazuo in a building that appears to be in some woods of some kind.

Curiously, nobody ever tells Kazuo why it's closed up. Nobody tells us who the hell these people are supposed to be, either. They seem to be tailors.

Well, except here, otherwise there'd be no movie.

"Including his Inuyasha-Dragonball Z-Akira slash fan art!"

"Waiting to be sol... er, filmed! Yeah!"

So there, nya.

Now get out before I call security!

"Nevermind that 'TV' isn't really a word, but still. Make like a tree and get out of here!"

Wow, Kazuo actually seems hurt by that.

Mr. Dude runs up to Mr. Guy, puts his face right up to his shoe, and tells him what's going on.

Mr. Guy empties out his shoe right on the floor.

He's still pouring.

Yup, still pouring

Stiiiill pouring....

...damn that's a lot of sand.

Pickleman?

Pickleman puts his shoe back on. When he stops pouring just before this little shift, you can see there's STILL sand in it.

Didn't that other dude just say that?

Yes, food and fauna. Because the Mamiya mansion is made out of gingerbread.

Mmm, haunted mansions...

...wait, what?

Even Kazuo looks like he's about to burst out laughing at this. Either that, or the actor just couldn't keep a straight face.

Yeah right.

I wouldn't be talking about forcefulness if I were wearing a hat like that.

...maybe...

...well, I guess that rules out that theory.

...On the other hand...

And how would you know?

Maybe he's just rusty.

What?

Taguchi's first line, and it's quite possibly the most frightening thing in the entire movie.

Babysitter, yeah...

Emi or Asuka? And are you hitting on a little girl when you're married? Whaaaaa?

Having failed with Emi, Taguchi jumps into the jeep and snoops on Asuka, who appears to be napping.

Here's a nice closeup of the gloves Taguchi's wearing in the movie, but got scrapped for the game.

Peek-a-boo!

I'm not sure if that was for snooping on her, or for the babysitter comment.

Okay, I swear these guys are tailors.

Here it comes...

BUM BUM BUUUUUM!

With absolutely no development, just Taguchi hitting on Emi, Mr. Dude and Mr. Guy decide to hand over the key.

Oh, the door could close behind them, the ceiling could collapse, and and there could be naked boil-infested cutlass-weilding pus-squirting maniacs running around.

Well, the stories are fake, because there are no boil-infested maniacs running around in the movie.

Ooookay guys, back off, you're about to trump the babysitter comment.

What, about the maniacs?

He means he's risking a bunch of lives to see if there's naked men with cutlasses running around.

So naive.

Yeah, everybody will be relieved that the haunted mansion isn't full of naked men with acne.

Because if there's one thing that'll help your publicity, it's a mansion full of... oh, forget it.

You'd expect some kind of creepy ambience to start up, but instead a happy-go-lucky tune that I don't recognize from the game starts playing.