For the longest time, I thought Lemmings Revolution was the worst Lemmings game that wasn't a crap port of the original. HooooooBOY, I was wrong. 3D Lemmings makes Revolution look like The Tribes. Somebody came up with the idea to take lemmings and put it into 3D with the lemmings going in all directions, but the result was a complete mess. The programmers obviously had their hearts in the right place, I just don't know where the hell their brains were, as I cannot fathom any way this could work.

The game is basically Lemmings only in 3d with halfassed level designs, and ninth skill; Turner. See, it's not like Revolution where the graphics are polygonal but the lemmings still walk in a 2d fasion around a cylinder. Here, the lemmings have to go EVERYWHERE. Rock to the top, they can even move down. Move to the side, spin round and round. The Turner is there to make a lemming turn left or right, by first clicking on them, then moving the cursor to their left or their right and clicking again. Basically, it's a Blocker that... well, turns a lemming 90 degrees instead of a full 180. There's also certain slanted walls that turn a lemming in a direction, much like a head-on wall turns the lemming completely around like a Blocker. But even the first Fun stages are really difficult. And then there's the sound effects; they start off cute, but will soon become irritating, such as the EXTREMELY high pitched "AAAARMAAAAGEEEDDOOON!" when you activate Armageddon. Considering how many times you have to use Armageddon in this game, it will cause a twitch sooner or later.

There's also this peculiar feature called "Virtual Lemming" where you get to see the world through a lemming's eyes. This yields no real value, except in one Practice stage or if you're in the mood for eyeful of lemming buttocks (if the latter, you are one sick, sick person). I'd like it if when a lemming started falling, the camera actually tilted down to show the ground quickly coming up to your lemming face. There's many other oddities I could ramble on about such as the block-by-block method of which the game works (which is far more irritating than helpful), but I don't care enough about this game to. I had to force myself to play fifteen non-Practice levels of this game, and I've yet to get an urge to try to play more. The Fun setting is about as hard as the Taxing setting on the original game. The graphics leave something to be desired, but the actual music is pretty good... to bad the songs are so dang short! You can put the disc into a CD player and listen to it, just like Lomax. But unlike Lomax, there's over 30 tracks and the disc isn't even an hour long!

When my copy of Albert Odyssey arrived in the mail, I thought about what everybody said about the ridiculous loading times. But when I started playing it, I didn't really mind the loading times. Why? This game's loading times and frequencies made those of Albert Odyssey seem nonexistant. EVERYTHING you do causes a load screen to appear. Going into the options, loading up the "stage intro", loading up the actual stage, loading up the results screen, EVERYTHING. And it's not an interesting load screen. You get to watch a red, a blue, and a green gear turn each other while a bar fills. This wheel turning is actually on as many things as the Jelly Belly logo, and is the logo of this company whom I've never heard of before now, Clockwork, and I think this is the reason the game is so bad.

But the single most irritating factor is the damn camera, which can probably be linked to the enormous levels. You can spin the camera, raise it, zoom in, zoom out, and this still isn't enough to see much of anything. I often found myself playing the game for about ten seconds, then spending the next three minutes screwing around with the camera trying to get my lemmings back into view. And thanks to this, there's times where your lemmings are dying and you don't even know it. You think you've completed a stage, then suddenly your lemming count is going down but your Lemmings saved count isn't moving. And there's this one forest stage that angered me to nobody's business. The entire thing is a bunch of tall trees with this dinky maze going through it. I think that was the last level I played, and I'm sure it'll stay that way.

As if making the lemmings walk like they were having seiures, Clockwork did a serious number on the existing commands. Most of them are so ridiculous that anybody unfortunate enough to wind up playing this Lemmings game first would probably never touch a Lemmings game ever again. I know I wouldn't!

Blocker: Okay, this one was left fairly intact. Lemmings puts its arms up, then started whipping its head left and right.

Bomber: The original Bomber was disturbing, but also funny at the same time. This time, it's just sickening. The lemming inflates like a balloon then splits into a hundred tiny fat lemmings... what the crap?!

Builder: Lemming lays out six flat planks that float in midair a foot above each other. When the icon at the bottom of the screen is active, it looks like the lemming is slapping itself in the face with its building board. Possibly a Monty Python reference?

Basher: The original lemmings were hard workers who didn't mind getting their hands dirty. Here, the lemmings are too lazy to use their own fists to punch out the soft soil in front of them, so instead they pull out some hammers and whack away. No wonder they're so fat in this game.

Miner: Lemming pulls out this itty bitty pickaxe like you expect to see in some toddler construction play set, and moves his body like one of those creepy looking toy water birds.

Digger: Lemming scrapes along the floor for a few seconds, then the floor finally shatters. Lazy programmers.

Climber: Instead of looking like it's volutarily climbing, the lemming looks more like it was slung face first into the wall, and is now squirming its way up.

Floater: The lemming is slowed down WAY too much this time. It feels like it takes a minute for a Floater to fall the distance an ordinary lemming takes two seconds to fall down.

Back to Lemmings FOREVER