Dragonheart: A New Beginning (PG)
The only reason I bothered with this was because the only copy of Dragonheart I could find included it. And how I wish I could've found one that was just Dragonheart. It's bad enough on its own, and it takes it a step further by defecating on the original. The dialogue stinks (in the beginning, was "humility" the actual line, or was he supposed to say "humanity" and the director and editor were lazy?), the fart scene had no business in there, the ice shards at the end look like really big pieces of styrofoam, they don't even try to hide that they're "stabbing" people by sticking the blade between their body and arm, I'm amazed everyone thought the Oriental kid was male, and everything that happened in the first Dragonheart was either magically erased from history, or was magically altered. And where the hell did that "brother" crap come from? It would've been effective had it been presented during the movie rather than five minutes before it ended. And if it were used in a movie that didn't totally blow.
Ninja Scroll (Unrated, but would probably be R)
The ass scenes in Universal Soldier have nothing on what goes on in this movie. O_o
Street Fighter (PG-13)
Underrated, but not by much. It's not a good movie at all, but it's not like it was directed by Satan (or Uwe Boll) like most people make it out to be. Some decent fighting scenes, a few intelligent lines (Guile rooting on the troops), and at least it doesn't have SSJ M. Bison. But it still feels shallow and nonsensical (for example, how did Guile know to arrive at that fight club with a nuke-armed tank just as a fight was starting? And nothing's ever done with Blanka's missing 11% cerebral programming and that tape Guile plays. I wonder if they were planning something, but had to remove it because they ran out of time), like an actual attempt at a movie that tripped on itself (though do keep in mind this is coming from somebody who's never been a fan of Street Fighter).
Showdown in Little Toyko (R)
Yeah, more Lundgren/Van Damme binging. Here's one of those movies that's really pretty bad, but saved from "Absolute Garbage" by a cheese factor that's through the roof. True, the wang remark is most assed up line I've ever heard in a movie, and some of the humor was purely unintentional (Lundgren's supposed to be playing an American raised in Japan, yet he can't say "seppuku" right). But some of the mindless fights were slightly entertaining to watch, I did like finally being able to see what my Japanese teacher was talking about when he was describing how they bathe, and most of the other jokes were funny (I vow that at some point in my life, I will use that "out of the frying pan" line). And I couldn't stop laughing at how much Lundgren's getup in the final fight with Yoshida made him look like the prototype for Anji Mito.
Red Scorpion (R)
Best thing about this movie was that Lundgren was shirtless for most of it. The fight at the end was entertaining, too.