My Ten Favorite MST3Ks

10 - Angel's Revenge

Volume 2, Episode #622, Host Mike Nelson

I've noticed that the best MST3Ks are movies that don't even take themselves seriously. This Charlie's Angels ripoff starts with our heroines going kung-fu on a bunch of drug dealers, oddly accompanied by cartoon sound effects. The sound effects don't last long, but the movie stays as campy as ever. There's a flashback, then nonsense ensues, and it all ends in one of the most ridiculous rescue scenes ever.

9 - Hobgoblins

Volume 8, Episode #907, Host Mike Nelson

This is often referred to as a Gremlins knockoff. Well, the Hobgoblins look like Gremlins that are halfway through their ate-after-midnight transformation, and that's it, really. The Hobgoblins are too cute to be menacing, and the cheap special effects that make it obvious they're puppets and dolls just make them even less menacing. And most of their victims are so unlikable that you're almost glad they're playing tricks on or killing these people. The end makes you wonder why this movie exists, unless the makers were planning for something like MST3K.

8 - Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues...

Volume 5, Episode #1006, Host Mike Nelson

A college professor, two of his students, and one of their friends go searching for The Boggy Creek Monster, which is just Big Foot, really. It starts out funny enough at the beginning, with some goofy flashbacks and appropriate commentary from the bots. The part with the girls getting the jeep stuck in the mud is slow and kind of painful, and most of the jokes are Tom hoping the girls will get in the mud and wrestle. But thankfully it picks up afterwards with that big fat guy with only one overall strap. I saw the Little Creature!

7 - Eegah

Individual, Episode #506, Host Joel Robinson

Not the George Lucas of video games, the caveman. This movie might have been kind of morbid, with Eegah keeping his dead, mummified relatives in the cave with him among other things, but after the MST3K treatment that's called out as the hokiness it really is. And in a moment of brilliant editing on the part of the filmakers, they left in some footage with two thorny devils mating. One thing that surprises me is nobody calls Eegah "Jaws"... the James Bond villian Richard Kiel would play later, not the shark.

6 - Time Chasers

Volume 5, Episode #821, Hosted by Mike Nelson

This actually could have been a good movie had it been more competently made, and the hero hadn't been such a dweeb. As if that weren't embarassing enough, there's men in pink business suits, business rooms that look like fun houses, and the most awkward second where the hero gets mud all over his pants and turns his butt to us. And the best part is, they actually asked the folks at Best Brains to MST3K-fy this, because they thought they'd say it was actually a good movie, even though the ending reeks of "Screw it, this ain't working, let's starting doing the most off-the-wall crap we can think of!"

5 - Prince of Space

Volume 7, Episode #816, Hosted by Mike Nelson

Godzilla vs. Megalon is also pretty funny, but not one of my ten favorites (plus, it was responsible for getting Volume 10 recalled and the $200 price tag it now demands), so there's comedy gold in them there cheesy Japanese B-films. Prince of Space is hilarious at the beginning and end, plus I'm a softy for corny space films, but it loses points because the middle is kind of slow with the good jokes, and I also felt there were too many chicken jokes.

4 - Cave Dwellers

Volume 2, Episode #301, Host Joel Robinson

A blatant Conan the Barbarian ripoff. Some of the effects are so damn cheesy, mainly the part where Ator and Thong are being clobbered by invisible guys and the giant snake-sock puppet that they almost don't need commentary from the bots, but they do and it's a riot. And gotta love those continuity errors Crow points out at the end. My biggest question? Why is this movie called "Cave Dwellers"?

3 - Overdrawn at the Memory Bank

Volume 4, Episode #822, Host Mike Nelson

The weird thing about how high this movie is, is that the first time I saw it I didn't think much of it. Yet something compelled me to rewatch it, and it almost had me floored. Maybe I just wasn't in the right mood the first time I watched it. You'd think a cross between Casablanca and The Matrix with a dash of 1984 would be better than this, but all this movie is good for is the cracks the robots make. The Street Fighter movie wasn't half as embarassing a movie for Raul Julia, rest his soul, as this was.

2 - Hercules Against the Moon Men

Volume 7, Episode #408, Host Joel Robinson

I don't remember much of Hercules Unchained, but then there's Hercules Against the Moon Men, on the same volume even. I mean, even the name is freaking stupid. The old man getting stabbed by a trap in his own secret exit came out of nowhere (I couldn't think of a better stinger), and maybe it's just the bots pulling me through, but I thought the sandstorm scene was more goofy than agonizing. And the big grin Alan Steel always has on his face makes all the one-liners the three spout all the more believable.

1 - Space Mutiny

Volume 4, Episode #820, Host Mike Nelson

I swear, this movie gets funnier every time I see it. Although David Ryder doesn't scream like a woman, his scream is still pretty goofy. How did nobody but the audience notice how much older Jansen looks than Ryder? Or how ridiculous it looked for future clothing to consist of aerobics tights and those metal blankets you find in pre-packed travel bags, and a chase through an abandoned warehouse on bumper cars was? Well, the folks at Best Brains did, and I'm glad they did.

My least favorite MST3K? Without a doubt, that would be....

Red Zone Cuba

Individual, Episode #619, Host Mike Nelson

There have been some MST3Ks I thought were kind of boring, maybe even a little irritating, like Merlin's Shop of Mystic Wonders (I can get through the first half of the movie fine, but the part with the evil toy monkey bores the hell out of me) and The Brain That Wouldn't Die, but Red Zone Cuba is the only one that made me want to kill somebody. Part of the problem is the voices are so muffled that half the time I couldn't even make out what anybody was saying. The rest of it it is that the movie is so awful and incoherent it isn't even worth making fun of anymore, and it really shows when half the jokes are about how the main character looks like Curly. And those scenes with the Mads where Frank owes money to the mob (???) and Dr. Forrester gets put in a bodycast because of it, and Frank relishes this by abusing Forrester were just painful.

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